Currently Playing Carencro By Marc Broussard see related

- Home -

Despite some initial skepticism, after Saturday night I've decided that being a 20-yr-old, single college student with great friends and an amazing support network constantly challenging my beliefs, my faith and my priorities might not be so bad. Living next door to a city hosting some amazing music isn't so bad either.

In all seriousness, my fears are vanishing. I mean, I haven't found that one guy yet (), and I maybe don't have as much life direction as I would like/hope, but my life is amazing, and I'm figuring it out. At least I'm closer than I was a year ago. And I'm learning really amazing things about justice, life, faith and friends. Hopefully always will.

Without a doubt, I have made some monumental mistakes as a 19-yr-old. Whew. Big mistakes. But I survived. And I am reasonably sure that I learned, and am still learning, some things about myself along the way. And these are good things to know. I even have goals for this year! In my ideal reality, I will be satisfied with the things in my life I cannot change (of which there are many) and be dissatisfied to the point of action with the things I can change, but haven't (of which there are probably even more). But for now, I am going to go enjoy my final hours of being a teenager.

Currently Playing Garden State By Various Artists see related

- Caring is Creepy-The Shins

It's been a long time....and I am so lost. So distant, removed, apathetic, but concerned about my apathy. I want to be closer...to what I'm not sure. Closer to Him, closer to him, closer to ambition, direction, meaning...Three ellipses already, if that's any sign of my current state of being....nothing is finished, nothing  complete, everything is up in the air...and so am I.

I'm wanting what I can't have, reveling in this self-torture, commending myself for holding up so well, even though I know there's a way to stop it, to make the whirlwind cease, to get out of the storm....God thats a lot of cliches...anyways, I know that if I only acted on what I knew was good for me, and slammed a few doors shut, I would be free of at least one of these problems. Which would be a start. But I don't WANT to....I'd rather suffer this delusion for a while longer, see what happens. Which makes me a full. I know that, am so aware of that fact. But I can't stop myself, can't make the feelings go away, can't even summon the strength or the desire to do so. WHY?

I don't know why. The mere hint of possibility...I don't know what it does, but it throws me. It takes me from angry to hopeful, weakening me, causing incredibly honest (and scary) words to flow forth...then that fear, of rejection, impossibility, guilt, desire, sweeps over me, making me long to take back everything I just said, wrote, did. Why the hell do I think honesty is going to get me anywhere. All its ever done for me before is to give the other something more to wound me with. Like he doesn't already have enough...

I am alone. So lonely. I don't know why. But I feel outside, removed, not a part. And I'm past the point of analysis that allows me to figure out if its real or just my own insecurities. I don't really have the energy to care. It just is. IS. There are so few places, so few people I feel at home with right now. Like I'm pouring everything I have, and its still not enough to get these people to care. And with that comes apathy, about hurting others, because I feel so broken myself...can't make good decisions about how others will perceive a situation, can only act in the moment, knowing the truth and hoping that at some point, all the others will understand. Maybe they won't. Who knows? Unfortunately, I don't think I can care right now.

I'm waiting for something to happen, so many things to happen. And wondering if any of it ever will...

Currently Playing Sixteen Stone By Bush see related

- Comedown - -

Moved into Durand. The quad rocks! Heidi's coming next weekend and class starts next week....life is so goooooooooooood! MUA!

Currently Reading At the Heart of the White Rose: Letters and Diaries of Hans and Sophie Scholl By Inge Jens see related

Well, I have been away from the land of xanga for far too long...and thus my site has been ridiculously dull. The brief updates: went to LA with Morgan and saw Heidi's oh so cute apartment, met funny guys at the beach that Heidi quasi-knew, and laughed at them. Ate good Mexican food at a stand by the Discount Tire store, saw Garden State (most fabulous movie ever!), missed seeing Tyra Banks by THHHIIIISSSSS much at the VS at the Grove, slept on futons, got in pillow fights and overall had a splendid time.

Then home for a week, tried desperately to read SoCo books, failed miserably at reading SoCo books and then back to LA this Saturday, where Lisa and I cleaned up at the OC MarketPlace, visited Josh and my future husband John Calhoun at Pepperdine, took in the beauty of Malibu, and got really, really, really excited about coming back to school. Ate Pizzokie, and were entertained with card tricks too . Came home, where I have been again trying to read my SoCo books, with slightly more success, and am getting ready to once more pack my life into various sized boxes and drive them north, where a new stage in my journey is set to begin. I CANNOT WAIT! And on a side note, I'll be showing up with shorter hair--possibly much shorter...at least if my 6 pm appointment goes as planned.

So, looking back, this update has not been brief, as was promised....please, love me anyway